Expectations Overload

It used to be that children had to conform to their parents’ and society’s expectations. They had to be invisible unless spoken to or asked to do something. They weren’t supposed to cry or make a fuss. Always be polite and even-tempered, bring back good grades and eventually become a doctor, a lawyer, or a banker, just like Father. When they weren’t behaving as expected, a slap on the cheek, for their own good of course, was a proven way to bring them back in line. This style of parenting was decidedly unkind to children.

Then, some people started wondering whether all this was really the right way to do it. Slowly but surely, Jesper Juul and others successfully challenged many aspects of childrearing, until the expectations turned 180 degrees.

Now, parents are expected to take full responsibility for the child’s emotional development, whilst remembering (and accepting) that it has little to no skills to deal with its own needs and emotions. When it kicks and screams, the parents are expected to recognise its unmet needs, acknowledge its feelings and kindly guide it out of the turmoil.

Meanwhile, the dinner is on the stove, the older sibling is refusing to do their homework, the washing machine has been beeping for 5 minutes straight, and there’s that memo the boss wants finished yesterday. But we can’t lose it, now, can we, because Jesper Juul is very clear here: Parents are entirely responsible for the quality of interactions in the family and for their children’s emotional development.

The expectation, it seems, is that parents must show understanding, kindness, patience, compassion and emotional intelligence at all times, even when overworked, overwhelmed, stressed out and tired. They may have never learned to acknowledge their own emotions in the first place (perhaps their own parents weren’t very good at it, either), and prior training is not really a thing, yet the moment the child plops out of the womb, forward-thinking authors and podcasters expect parents to suddenly develop those abilities instantly, lest they turn the next generation into one of chronically depressed citizens.

Maybe this was the narrative the world needed in the past few decades. But although it was already abundantly clear that parents, too, have limited resources and abilities, the pandemic in 2020 exacerbated that fact for everyone at the same time. In giving all parents a common experience to refer to, the pandemic may have given them an opportunity to evolve those expectations a bit. To let the pendulum swing back towards the middle, if you will.

There are many who really, genuinely try hard to be good parents. They deserve a new narrative. I think we should now switch the focus to the overall wellbeing of the entire family, as opposed to emphasising the wellbeing and emotional development of the children whilst hammering in on the parents’ duties and responsibilities. Is it really good for the children if we make parents feel guilty for failing them emotionally every day?

Let’s acknowledge both children’s need for support and guidance in their emotional development and parents’ struggles in dealing with all the emotions storming through the household at 18:00 when everyone is tired and hungry.

Let’s let go of the idea that there is something like perfect parenting and that those who aren’t conforming to it are breaking their children. No parent is perfect, and that’s OK.

Let’s be kinder to ourselves and to each other. Parenting is a tough job, after all.

Is that the dinner burning in the kitchen?